Grieve Out Loud

Two years ago today, my life (and womb) was jam-packed of muchness. It was such an exciting time for all of us. We were expecting our first child, a son come late September.

Everything was beautiful. Beauty surrounded me inside and out. On my daily walks with the dog, I would stop and watch the families play in the park. At the grocery store, the clerks always asked about the baby and how I was feeling. At night I would lay awake smiling while my son had his “late night dance parties.”

My creativity was also peaking and my fingertips ached to create. My mom and I would meet up weekly for sewing dates. We would spend hours picking out the perfect fabrics to make crib sheets, curtains, clothing and blankets. We created artwork for the nursery walls, decoupaged the dresser drawers and collected vintage Fisher Price toys for him to play with.

At thirty-six weeks the only thing left to finish off the nursery was our son.

…he never made it home though.

Our baby boy was stillborn on September 18th, 2009 at thirty-seven weeks.

And with his death, my life (and womb) lost all of its muchness.

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Life became as still as my son. Nothing made me feel better. My muchness for anything I found joy in was gone.

I stopped walking the dog because I couldn’t handle seeing all the happy families and babies in buggies. We were terrified to go to the grocery store — scared someone would ask about the baby. Dreaded going to bed at night. Tossed and turned and would sometimes cup my stomach wishing I could feel his feet dancing inside me one last time.

My creativity took the biggest blow. Just the thought of working with my hands to create something made me sick to my stomach. To this day I have not fired up my sewing machine, held a paint brush, or followed through on a creative idea.

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I lost two years of my muchness and the last two years of my 20′s.

That changes today.

September 1st starts the thirty day countdown to my 30th birthday and I invite you to follow me on my Thirty before 30 Muchness Challenge!

This will be a life challenge. Turning 30 is proving to be a difficult transition for me, however this challenge will help me see the positive in turning 30 instead of the negative.

Hope my muchness can forgive me for neglecting her so much. I know the muchness is still there, it might just look and feel different now. Hope you will join me!

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I will be posting weekly updates on my 30 days of muchness journey here. Feel free to follow my daily progress as I try to reconnect with my creative side.